
10 Sep The Voices In My Head
I have voices in my head. I bet you do too. I have at least two. There is my inner Cheerleader that tells me I am doing a great job, that I can do whatever I need to do and that I am pretty awesome. Then there is the other one. Little Miss Nasty. The one that tells me I am pretty useless at everything, that I cannot do it, that everyone is laughing at me and that no one likes me. That one.
Some days the Cheerleader has it sorted. She (I am pretty sure it is a female voice) is loud and clear and utterly invincible. Nothing wobbles her and nothing is too small for that voice to cheer about – even cleaning my teeth is met by “Good Job!” With her on my side, I know that I can do everything and that I am doing everything right. Even if I get something wrong, she is there telling me how I can learn from that and that it was meant to happen that way so that I could learn. It’s all good.
Then there is the other one.
Now this one can be male or female depending on what it is I am screwing up. My goodness, it is the most vicious, the most destructive, the most hateful voice there is. The things it says to me I would never dream of saying to another human being ever. If another human being said the things it says to me, I would be so shocked. But when that voice speaks, it doesn’t surprise me at all. What it says I know to be true at the time and it can make me want to curl up and hide under a duvet for ever.
Have you got one of these? Most of us do.
I’m either my best friend or my worst enemy – Whitney Houston
I talk to clients regularly about these voices. One can push you forward to achieve your goals, the other holds you back and destroys your confidence. Sadly, the negative voice is the one that we hear the most and the loudest quite often.
So what can we do about them?
First of all you need to listen and identify how often and in what situations that negative voice is butting in and giving you a hard time. How often do you call yourself an idiot when you get something wrong? How often do you call yourself stupid? Have you noticed yourself thinking how you can’t do something because you’re not good enough, not clever enough, always get things wrong? Do you say it out loud?
Once you have caught yourself, try to identify the voice. Is it male or female? Do you know who it is, can you recognise the voice? It may be that you can pinpoint exactly who it is and exactly when that message started. It could be a parent, a teacher, a bully at school. It can be quite uncomfortable or even painful to recognise the source because it may be someone you love and who meant well when they gave out the original message. One part of my Little Miss Nasty is the lady who looked after me when my mum was dying. I was 5. Working with my Coach recently, I identified her as the “You’re not good enough” voice. I am sure she never meant to be so destructive in her negative comments to me as a child, but something stuck. Her voice, her messages have been playing like a loop for 42 years. How nuts is that?
I don’t know why the subconscious holds on to those messages, that pain, but I wonder if it is a form of protection. Possibly those messages were delivered to help you without realising how they would be received and internalised. It may be helpful to acknowledge that message was once well meaning, say “Thank you but I don’t need you now.” This could be a way of healing the hurt felt by that negative message and a way of moving on.
Identifying where the voice, the messages, come from has been helpful for me. Now when that voice starts up, I can shout “Shut up, Mavis!” knowing that she was wrong when I was 5 and she’s wrong now. Just being able to name the voice and shout it down has given me greater power over her. My Cheerleader can beat her now!
A client of mine has given her voice a name and a character that is rather amusing so now, when he starts up, she can ridicule him into being quiet! She is very visual and we have had many a laugh imagining what she can do to him when he starts being a nuisance. It has helped her enormously. If you are laughing at something, it takes away its power.
Another strategy is to think of all the evidence that disproves whatever Little Miss Nasty is saying. If she is telling you for instance that you are useless at work, then think (or even write down) all the things you have done that show that you are not. List your achievements until your inner Cheerleader is shouting so loudly that it drowns out that negative voice.
Whichever strategy you choose, and talking to a Coach can help you identify not only the source of your voice, but a way to get it under control, there is one thought you need to hold dear: that voice will tear you down more than any other person ever will because it is with you all the time, especially in the wee small hours when there is no distraction from it. That voice, ultimately, is you talking to yourself. You wouldn’t talk to anyone else that way, so why is it OK to do that to you? You are the only person who will be with you all the way through your life. You will be with you at the end. Wouldn’t it be nice to go through life with a best friend who is beside you all the time? Someone who has got your back no matter what? Someone who tells you how great you are every day, who loves you because you are you and who knows you better than anyone else? Isn’t that what we spend all our lives looking for in a partner? Well, you’ve already got all of that inside your own head, if you choose to listen and to let the positive voice win through. A partner is just an added bonus!
So spend some time listening to how you talk to yourself. Catch yourself being mean to yourself and stop to give it some thought. Just who is that? Where did it come from? Is it helpful? What is it stopping you from doing? Do you need it? Then start to get it under control. Let your inner Cheerleader become louder and see the difference it makes to how you feel. It takes a bit of work and a bit of effort but it is so worth it. Watch your confidence soar and your inner peace grow. Be the best friend you could wish for and give Little Miss Nasty the boot!
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