Compass

How did I get here?

I  went in to teaching 20 something years ago, all bright eyed and bushy tailed. Working every evening until 9.00 and every Sunday nearly all day. I loved it and I was good at it.

Until I began to struggle with the pressures and I found I was prone to bouts of depression. The worst when I got post-natal depression after the birth of my daughter. Totally out of control, with no routine and a child who wouldn’t do as I asked for once (go figure!), I lost the plot. I tried to go back to work, leaving Sprog at Nursery, which she loved, but found I simply didn’t care about other people’s children any more. Then I was really in trouble. I was nobody. I was a hopeless mother (because I wanted to be at work, not with my child) and I was a hopeless teacher (because I simply didn’t care enough any more).  I ended up on tablets.

If you’ve never been depressed, it is hard to imagine just how awful it is.

I’d wake up early, thanks to Sprog (who thought sleep was for wimps), and be so desperate to still be asleep that I would cry. The day would pass in an empty blur. It was like looking through a fogged up window. I felt like I couldn’t connect with anyone or anything, except Sprog. Thankfully, that relationship didn’t suffer the way that it can.  I used to drive around imagining driving into a tree. I would wait for evening, until I could get Sprog to bed and open the wine – not a good idea on tablets. I’d go to bed and cry. It was so bleak.

I look back at it now and thank my lucky stars I am not there now.

Gradually, through medication, a new relationship, time, I came back. I became a full time teacher again and reconnected with other peoples’ kids. But I was fragile.

It only took a couple of occasions of negative feedback following lesson observations  that didn’t go well and my confidence plummeted again. I had lost so much ground whilst I had been out of teaching that I thought I’d never catch up. I became depressed. I couldn’t teach, it appeared, but I couldn’t do anything else either.

But I was determined the depression wouldn’t take hold. No way was I going back on tablets. So I went to counselling. It wasn’t the first time and it did help a bit. What helped more was when an inspirational speaker came in to school on a training day and reignited my desire to do well. I began doing research into the areas of teaching that had changed while I’d been away. I became a student in my own career and I began to improve. The depression lifted. I had passion and purpose.

Until I became ill and had to take a term off work. The doctor said it was a virus or ME. I was devastated. I decided it was because I couldn’t keep up the pace of the job, so what on earth was I going to do?

I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination. – Jimmy Dean

That’s when I started talking to a Life Coach. We began by investigating whether I really wanted to get out of teaching or whether I was just scared. It became apparent I was scared: of failure; of poor feedback. But I didn’t want to leave. So I renewed my studying and my goal was to become the best teacher I could be.

I had regular Life Coaching sessions and it kept me on track. I worked on gaining balance between work and home. I worked on managing anger. It was brilliant. Finally I felt in control of what I was doing. Things  didn’t always work as planned, but I began to reframe criticism as feedback and see it as a platform on which to build and improve. I went from strength to strength. So much so that I went for an acting leadership position and got it. Then I needed the coaching more than ever!

I’m not going to say that the depression has never come back. It has from time to time. But it is milder and the bouts last for shorter periods each time. My mind is so positive that it can’t take hold as easily!

I love my job, teaching. I hate the pressures we are under to force these kids to perform. I can’t see myself doing this job in ten years time without my home life and health suffering. So, I introduced Life Coaching to others and saw what it was doing for them. And I introduced it to the school and now I see what it is doing for the kids.

And then I thought, “I want to do that!”

So I’m going to open a new door and walk through it. I want to make the difference in others’ lives that Life Coaching has made in mine. Am I scared? A little. But I am more excited than scared. I know I can make a difference and when I face setbacks – and I will face setbacks – I will learn from them and move forward.

So that’s how I got here. And “here” is a jolly good place to be.

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